people are starting to question the shark bite story
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
