everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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