She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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