The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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