im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
