Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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