Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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