guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
