Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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