My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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