She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize