She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I think I just sharted jello shots
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