My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize