He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
