Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
