Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
