He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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