I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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