I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
