some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Randomize
