I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I need water and some morals
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
