Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I hate all girls vehemently.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
