the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
