I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
