My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
