It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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