Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
