Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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