I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
