I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
