peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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