can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
