Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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