so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
