so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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