He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
