She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
