she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
