apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
