Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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