She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
