i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
