this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
