The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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