She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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