News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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