I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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