i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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