I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
