He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
