i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
