I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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