I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
