My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
