i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
