you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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