Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
