Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
