if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
