im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
