Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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