Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
