my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
