Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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