Someone shit on the floor
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
