I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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