some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
