I wanna passion pit in your ass
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
