is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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