Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
