Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
