almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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