My liver just broke up with me...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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