you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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